


Symphony Of A Sorrowful Life

by Aesa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bullying, Class reunion, Classical Music, F/F, F/M, HOMELESS!EREN, High School, Homelessness, Homophobia, Lies, Loneliness, M/M, Modern Music, Past, Past Abuse, People in High School being dicks, Runaway, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Violinist!Eren, lawyer!Levi, non-energetic!Eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 02:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3512543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aesa/pseuds/Aesa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jäger had everything.<br/>Eren Jäger lost everything.<br/>Eren Jäger is left with the remains of his sorrowful life with no future.<br/>One day, call it faith, a hand holding a red scarf offered him a way out.<br/>It was given to him by someone whom Eren never expected to meet again.<br/>A lot someones he never expected to meet again.<br/>After all, they were remnants of his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Come, Sweet Death

**Author's Note:**

> Hey lovelies!
> 
> Well, I had this idea here and I had to get it out because otherwise I am completely stuck with my other work. I feel better now. You know that Feeling?
> 
> Lets see if you join me on this journey!
> 
> Regards,  
> Aesa

**[Bach - Come, Sweet Death](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nRqmGY7KnI) **

 

It is cold!

So cold!

Winter became pretty rough and fast this time around! At least I was able to get my hands on a coat to cover myself up with.

People are running their errands for Christmas!

Is it this time of the year again?

If anyone would have told me that I would end up like this, a homeless beggar, one of the lowest living in this country, I would have laughed straight in their face. Me? I had decent marks. My father was a surgeon. My mother worked as an elementary teacher. We were not rich but I would have been able to go to a college and study violin. I applied to Juilliard and Colburn School. I know that there are a lot more conservatories, universities and colleges. But my mind was set on those two. I knew I was good enough to make it to one or the other.

I always loved the sound. Be it happy or sad, loud or quiet, ambitious or thoughtful. There is so much you can tell through music. People enjoyed when I played. I enjoyed playing! But that was a long time ago.

A time, were everything was still perfect and nothing went down the drain. I lost everything!

My family!

My friends!

My home!

My dignity!

My future!

Never would I have thought that one decision … only one fucked up decision would destroy my life.

All things I loved and cared about are gone.

Even my beloved violin!

I still have it with me but I wasn’t able to play it like I used to, at least not in front of an audience. After some time I even stopped playing for myself. It just hurt too much to caress my beauty.

Just looking at her case reminds me of memories I would rather forget.

But this is my present and it is going to be my future!

My past will always haunt me.

It did so for the past ten years!

And it will for the next!

If I am able to survive this long that is.

Sometimes I wish that everything is a bad dream and I wake up. Laughing at how stupid my mind and brain were to scare me like this.

Sometimes I wish that everything was a bad dream and I never wake up again. Falling asleep one night and not opening the eyes the next. It is not like anyone is going to miss me!

But I am scared!

I never liked being alone!

And dying alone is my greatest fear!

But it would solve and ease the pain!

And once again I sit crying!

I am even surprised that after so many years I still had tears left to cry.

My eyes are so watered up that the area and the people running around consist of one constant stream. It is blurry - making it appear like a contemporary, moving picture of some big artist.

I stretch my feet a bit. They feel numb.

I just hurt a partly: “What the actually fuck? Can’t you watch were you put those disgusting feet of yours?” thrown at me.

“This filth dirties up everything here. Can’t they be removed?”

I know that I am nowhere wanted. No need to tell that to me.

“You, shit. Listen when talked to!”

Hm?

Why?

It is not like anyone would care about what I have to say.

“Here, this will keep you a bit warmer!”

“Don’t go near him, Krista. He is going to rob you and hurt you and you don’t even know what disease he does have. Stay away!”

Am I really worth less than other people?

“It is just a scarf, gloves and a beanie I am giving him. Nothing wrong with that, Ymir. I have lots of it at home.”

When I saw a bright red color entering my blurry vision I slowly raised my head.

Even with my blurry vision I could make out that there were a few shapes standing around me.

But what really caught me was that beautiful bright red scarf held in front of me.

“Really, take it!”

Carefully I raised my arm to grasp the scarf.

I didn’t want to startle anyone.

Wouldn’t be the first time I was tricked and then beat up.

I did get beat up a few times without reason too but there was not need risking it.

My fingers touched the soft material.

“OH MY GOD! EREN!”


	2. My Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren being haunted by his past and his mind broken and being confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations at the end

[My Memory](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skGEHuejc-s)

 

„EREN!“ I heard again.

How did they know my name?

I haven’t introduced myself. I haven’t written my name anywhere.

Did I meet them before?

Otherwise I doubt they would know my name.

I still couldn’t see them clearly.

“Bullshit!” another voice said gruffly. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Look at his eyes. This intense green … it is Eren!”

I felt uncomfortable.

I felt them staring at me.

I hate people staring at me. But I got used to it over the years. If you want to survive on the streets you become invincible to those from whom you don’t want to be seen and then there are those whom you want to notice you, even if it is only leftovers or things like that you receive. Better than nothing!

My vision is still blurry. They are moving a bit closer to me. I can feel it.

I don’t like it.

“It … really is you!”

This voice was barely audible.

Did I imagine this voice?

No! It was there clearly.

Or did I start to lose my mind? Not that it would have surprised me.

Something inside me clenches and wants me to remember this voice. This soft, honey like voice. That was always so gentle. Never ushered a bad word or got loud. I miss this voice.

Have I finally reached a point where my past haunts me in this reality? Have my ghosts become real? Is this the end I’ve reached? Like this? Haunted by the past, to die in the future?

I close my eyes.

I want it to be over.

I want to supress those memories that start bubbling up in me.

It hurts!

I don’t want to be reminded.

Please, stop it! I’d do anything to stop my memories demonizing and following me. Why does it have to feel so real?

Why now?

“You are, Eren, right?” The voice sounded again. It was so real that I had to thank my imagination to appear it like this.

When I remembered before it felt never this real. Like they were actually here.

In my mind the voices always had this slight touch of concern, of worry … of love in it. It was directed towards me; making me feel alive; feel needed … feel loved.

But the emotions in their voices when they addressed me become cold and none existent. So hearing this concern is really a beautiful thing my mind came up with.

It was not until something kicked me hard against my leg.

“HAVE YOU GONE NUTS?! YOU CAN’T JUST KICK HIM!”

I grabbed my leg and looked up angrily.

Seriously?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Not that I am surprised. It wasn’t the first time I was treated like this. I should have expected that. But should really someone have the need to expect to be treated this harshly?

Slowly, my vision started to clear.

This kick seemed to have started to open my eyes.

The blurred lines started to become more prominent. The colours and shapes started to fall back into shape.

My eyes caught this prominent red on the street to my right. Seems that I dropped the scarf when I was kicked.

The fabric was soft. It was a while since I held something this smooth in my hands. It felt nice. And it was such a gorgeous colour. A colour lighting up the dark of the winter.

I let my hands run across the fabric.

The people around me were quiet.

Or did I shot their voices down?

No! I could still here the traffic and other people hurrying past me, while they chatted with the people with them or on the phone.

I don’t know why I did it that moment but I felt the urge to raise my head. I at least had to thank this kind woman who gave me that scarf. That was the right thing to do!

But as my eyes wandered up and started focusing on one face after the other, I began to tremble.

What kind of sick game is this?

I do imagine things!

They can’t be here!

This is not true!

I fell sick. I am way to cold. I am hypothermic. There has to be an explanation why my brain plays this tricks to me.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_“Hey, Mikasa!” a brunet complained. He displayed a grimace on his face while he rubbed the back of his head where he was hit by a book. “Why did you hit me?”_

_“Because you fell asleep … again!” she said without any emotion in her voice._

_“But I don’t need to focus on German. I am native in this language too, if you have forgotten.” The boy kindly reminded his friend._

_“Still doesn’t give you the right to fall asleep in class!”_

_“Eren! Wenn du schon etwas zum Unterricht beitragen und die Klasse nicht stören möchtest, dann beantworte die Fragen eins bis fünf.“_

_„Uhm“ the brunet looked startled by being called out by his teacher. Eren didn’t even know they had to read a text? When were they given a text to read? And why was he being called out and not Mikasa?_

_Thinking about it … why was it always him. No matter what subject? It seems that only ever he was caught when he fell asleep._

_The teacher sighed. “Pass’ das nächste Mal bitte besser auf.“_ _Teacher directed at Eren before he adressed the class. “Reiner, bitte beantworte die erste Frage!”_

_“You did practice till the early morning hours, didn’t you?” Mikasa hissed accusingly._

_Eren shrugged with his shoulders. “I have to because we have the talent show coming up and there is this concert I take part with.”_

_“I know you love your violin but you shouldn’t slack in school!”_

_“My marks are pretty good.” Eren defended himself. As he felt the teacher looking in his direction Eren realized that he might have raised his voice slightly. His cheeks turned a shade of pink before Eren focused on the working sheet in front of him. “I might not have full score as you but I am good!”_

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It IS her.

I would recognize those piercing eyes everywhere. I don’t imagine this. It is her. I feel that I know every single face.

“Suits you sitting here, Jäger!” a voice sneered at him.

There was this feeling bubbling in my gut.

Anger!

Rage!

“Why did you run away?“ Mikasa said accusingly. Her voice felt heavy on me.

I don’t know how to describe it. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel guilty?

I didn’t run away!

Why does she think I ran away?

They all wanted me to leave!

They never felt the need to hold me back.

They weren’t there to keep me from leaving in the first place.

“Why did you?” her voice sounded thick. I knew without having to look at her that she was close to crying. “Everyone was worried sick when you disappeared. We thought you had an accident or died or ….”

I blended the rambling out. I couldn’t listen to it!

Why does she believe I left when I was made to leave?

Even when it was hard, I never wanted to go.

Even if there was no one or nothing holding me back, I wanted to fight.

I wanted to prove them that I didn’t do anything. Wanted to show them that everything was a lie, a stupid mistake, … but they didn’t even tried to listen to me.

I don’t know why I did it but the words left my mouth before I could stop them: “Why I ran? Why was I made to run? Did you question yourself that?“

My voice sounded fractured, like I haven’t used it in a long time.

There was a true sound to it because I didn’t.

Why speaking when no one is there to listen?

“What else do you want to take from me? Look around! Everything I have lies here! Or I wear it on my body! You might be hurt and want to take everything from me. But there isn’t much left from me!”

Why did I spoke up now?

When they were standing in front of me?

Only minutes passed and I said something to them. I never would have thought that I would be able to say those words to them. I never felt the need before! I don’t feel the need now. But it felt right. In this moment …

“Oh, poor baby. You really want to make us believe that you are the victim here? The shit you pulled back then?”

“Really, Jean, shut up!” Krista urged him.

„NO“ Jean sounded certain. „He always tried to pull this shit. You all should now what he did. Years might have passed and you want to forgive him. But he deserves everything for what he has done. He doesn’t deserve our forgivness. I betrayed being our friend!“

The words still stung like they did back then.

Why am I not surprised?

They still don’t believe me!

Will they ever believe me?

No!

It was just a mere coincidence that they happened to be standing in front of me right now.

The words exchanged were subtle and had no meaning behind them.

They are going to leave in the next few minutes and I will never see them again.

“I am not going to let him freeze to death here! I am taking him home with me!” Mikasa spoke up.

Why are you doing this?

Are you also going to try to hurt me?

Do you even know what this does to me?

Trying to pick me up and then letting my crash back to reality?

I already experienced this fall. And it hurt like bitch. I don’t think that I will survive it again.

Please, don’t give me hope where there is none.

Where you all are coming from there is no place for me.

I am part of your past and memory, not of your future.

Ten years already passed by and everyone was fine in their own way. So please, just keep going. Move, turn away and never look back again. I am trying to do the same.

“I managed to survive the last ten years. I am going to survive in the future. I don’t need your pity.”

I blocked out their talking.

They didn’t try to touch me when I started to gather my things and leave. I wouldn’t stay here with them. I felt the urgent need to leave. I felt sick being around them as they felt sick being around me.

Of course they wouldn’t touch me, I was disgusting. A beggar and homeless person. But was I really homeless? My home was everywhere I wanted it to be. Just without the need to use money and the comfort. But I can survive. I did so in the past.

„Eren, please, wait! Let me help you!“ Mikasa begged. “I want my brother back!”

“I stopped being your brother a long time ago!”

I knew that I hurt her with my words. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just said the truth. When everyone turned their back on me, stopped believing in me and called me liar, home wrecker … I stopped being everything. I wasn’t a brother anymore – neither was I a friend, pal, son.

“Come back with me, please!” her voice sounded desperate.

“They are waiting for you!” was all I said to her before I left her standing. I didn’t turn my head back to them.

I knew they were talking about me. I didn’t care. I wasn’t part of their life anymore. Not that I wanted to!

Today will just be a memory too!

It already feels like a dream that happened. It doesn’t feel like reality. Maybe my imagination really played me tricks.

 

I don’t know anymore.

What just happened?

It must have been a dream … or my lively imagination … but it was so real …

No, there has to be an explanation.

There has to be

I … have to get away … even if I don’t have much time left to find a shelter for the night I have to go … I can’t be staying at this place … even if the ventilation system made it a bit more bearable.

But they are here … though I want to pretend they are not … they are.

It is too real.

I don’t want them to be here.

Not after all those years.

I want to forget … to lose every memory I had.

But my mind is running wild.

And it hurts.

It hurts so much … just having them in front of me … stored away memories came running back.

The images were burning in front of my eyes … showing me the past so _clearly_.

I didn’t run back then but I have to run now.

Leaving my past behind me and never going back there.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_“Eren”_

_“It is not worth it”_

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It?

I am not even a person now.

I am a thing?

Well, I am treated this way anyway.

My life ain’t worth anything anymore.

With the way I am living?

What would anyone want to do with me?

A beggar?

Someone, that didn’t even complete Highschool?

Someone, that wasn’t able to take care of himself?

Or his friends?

And family?

That is okay, being called not worth it.

The only valuable thing I am carrying is my violin.

My gorgeous beauty whom I haven’t even played for a while.

Why didn’t I play her?

It always solved my fears and sorrows in the past.

But that was in the past.

Playing her reminded me of to many things.

That is right that is way I don’t play her anymore.

It is the past that comes me hunting done when I let my fingers ghost over her.

The beautiful and the bad.

The beautiful hurts even worse than the past.

It reminds me that nothing I ever did was enough.

All the years I have been a good son and friend didn’t weight anything to this one time.

How come such a small thing came crushing done my life?

How did it destroy everything I knew?

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_“Him being like this shows that he is what we always knew. He is a disgusting, egoistic, lazy bastard that fucked up his own life.”_

_“We can’t let him stay here!”_

_“You really want to take in a beggar? What if he robs you … or kill you in your sleep? Or even during daytime?”_

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I have been called a lot of things during my time on the streets but a murderer was not one of them.

And it hurts even more.

I have this queasy feeling in my guts.

It clenches on my heart.

Runs through my whole body and got me shaking.

It sure is the cold shaking my body.

It is not bothering me what they are saying.

It sure is not.

I stopped caring about what people say behind my back. Be it in my earshot or not.

I didn’t care.

I shouldn’t.

So why does everything sting?

Why do I react like this?

Why now?

Why in front of them?

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_“HE fucked everything up! HE ran away! HE is the one who always lied! So stop bothering about him. He definitely stopped bothering about you!”_

_“But he could DIE! It is …”_

_“Then he dies!”_

_“You … didn’t … you can’t … no one deserve to die!”_

_“Then he should have thought about it before … oh … I forgot … he is too stupid to think!”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Eren! Wenn du schon etwas zum Unterricht beitragen und die Klasse nicht stören möchtest, dann beantworte die Fragen eins bis fünf.“ => "Eren! When you intend to participate during lesson and don't disturb the class than answer questions one to five."
> 
> “Pass’ das nächste Mal bitte besser auf.“ => "Please pay attention next time."
> 
> “Reiner, bitte beantworte die erste Frage!” => "Reiner, please answer the first question!"


End file.
